Changing So Fast

I just had to share this little collage I put together. He suddenly looks like a little boy and less infant baby. RIGHT?!

Posted in Uncategorized | Thoughts

To My Son


(written on September 3rd)

Jeffrey,

I am writing this to you as you are napping, being held close in your Daddy’s arms across the room. Daddy started working full time last week and it’s been a rough adjustment. I hadn’t realized how hard it would be on you. But I noticed the difference on Saturday and Sunday when you woke up with the biggest smiles on your face because Daddy was still there in bed with us.

He has been there for you since the day you were born, before really, and it must be hard for it to suddenly change so drastically. I’m sorry for that, I hope in the next few months as you get bigger, you and I will get out of the house some days, we will go to the library and the park and make friends for both you and I and it won’t be so hard for Daddy to be gone all the time.

You are strong willed and stubborn. you know what you want and you aren’t afraid to ask for it. I’m sorry we don’t quite understand what it is all the time yet. But you know. I see it in your eyes, in your smile, in the ear piercing scream. You know what you want. you are stubborn but brilliant. I am so excited to some day home school you. Even now it is so amazing to watch as you learn and grow each week. You have mastered rolling over and are getting so good at sitting by yourself. It makes me happy to see you growing so well and sad to see how fast time is going by. You love the world around you and would fore-go sleep forever if you could keep looking and taking it all in.

Daddy and I have talked several times about if you are a new soul, if this is your first time on earth (or in a human body) or if you come to as as someone older, someone who has seen things before. We both think you have been here before, little one. You are so curious, but knowledgeable and you are only 4 months old. 4 months. You have only been in our lives for 4 months, it is amazing how attached I have become so fast.

You are frustrating and difficult…but when you smile, it is the best thing in the world and my heart melts. Will i always feel this way about you? I wonder what our relationship will be in 5, 10, 20 years? How will i feel towards you? Will I remember this time like I hope to? Grandma often doesn’t remember things when I ask her, so I hope that by recording my thoughts and all the hundreds and hundreds of images we have of you, I will remember.

I could stare at you all day, although you generally have other plans and want to be on the go go go all the time. But that’s okay. Your big personality shines through that little body of yours and no matter how frustrated I get with the fussy days and struggles with naps, you are amazing and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Love,
Mom

♥Kendra

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Thoughts

Jeffrey 16 Weeks Update


16 Weeks Old Update

August 18th, 2012

-Mommy has been really stressed out and between your new medication and the changes in my medication, I didn’t get one specific photo shoot in this week so there are a few random pictures from throughout your 16th week here.

-The antacid (zantac) you were prescribed fro silent reflux last week has been helping a bit. You’re not perfect yet but I think, I hope!, this will get solved somehow. I’m almost positive most of your fussiness is silent reflux and I’m sorry it took us so long to catch on to it. I’m sure it hurts something awful.

-You are wearing 6 month clothes! Jeffrey, you are only 3 and a half month, stop growing so big!

-You haven’t rolled over again yet but you’ve tried, you just can’t get passed your arm. You’ll figure it out!

-Mommy has been sick this week and it’s been rough taking care of you but thankfully you have a very wonderful Daddy to help out.

 
Check out past Baby Jeffrey Updates to see how he’s grown!
1 Week and 2 Weeks
3 Weeks and 4 Weeks
5 Weeks and 6 Weeks
7 Weeks
8 Weeks
9 Weeks
10 Weeks
11 Weeks
12 Weeks
13 Weeks
14 Weeks
15 Weeks

♥Kendra

 

 

Posted in Weekly Jeffrey Updates | Tagged , , , , , | Thoughts

Thinking of the Future

image

Our life is really up in the air right now. We vaguely have a plan for the next 6 months but beyond that? Eternal mystery. But I’m contomplative by nature, I’m a dreamer, a planner and a what if kind of girl.

Our family of three is lovely and special. Jeffrey is the perfect mix of the two of us. He’s curious and stubborn, he’s intelligent and loving. He’s only 4 months old. He’s been a handful and he’s been life changing but surprisingly not as life changing as I would have anticipated.

As a dreamer and a planner, we’ve obviously talked about what our future family looks like. I come from a family with 3 siblings, scott had none. I always wanted a big family. I’ve thought about how far apart I want our kids (start trying for number 2 when jeffrey is 2 and number 3 when the second is 4). And I’ve pictured them, running around and teaching them all.

And yet. Yet.

I feel doubt now as I look at my beautiful sleeping son about having more. Pregnancy was hard on me, labor and delivery were emotionally destructive. I love him but it has been hard to take care of him. I don’t want to deprive him of the joy of siblings, of being a big brother and yet.

I don’t know where I’m going with this or why I’m writing it. I’m not even clear on what I’m thinking and feeling or why. But this is my space and I think better when I write.

I hope over the next few years I grow to wanting more children again. At one time I did. But if not? Well we will give jeffrey everything he deserves, he will be loved beyond belief and we will come to be happy with either decision.

Posted in Uncategorized | Thoughts

Mommy Guilt, Inadequacy and Doubt

I feel like everything that is wrong is my fault.

I grew him in my body for 9 months. I am the only one that can provide nourishment for him from the moment he is conceived until he starts solid foods and eventually weans from breastfeeding. I take care of him everyday all day. Yes I have help. But I am his mother. It is all my fault if he is unhappy, grumpy or isn’t getting the nourishment he needs.

I know, I know…all babies are hard work. All babies are high maintenance because they’re babies, they’re helpless and need their parents. I love my little boy but he is a mighty handful. And I worry constantly that all of his issues…unhappy while nursing (screaming!), hating naps, not sleeping through the night anymore, fussy all day almost all the time…are all my fault.

How do I get rid of these feelings? How do I accept that it’s not me? Or is it me? How do I make it better if (or if it’s not) me? Here I am, once again, with nothing but questions and no answers in sight.

ps- I need more pictures of Jeffrey and I. I am most often the one behind the lens and there aren’t as many as I would like.

♥Kendra

 

 

Posted in motherhood, Reflections | Tagged , , , , | Thoughts