Jeffrey,

I am writing this to you as you are napping, being held close in your Daddy’s arms across the room. Daddy started working full time last week and it’s been a rough adjustment. I hadn’t realized how hard it would be on you. But I noticed the difference on Saturday and Sunday when you woke up with the biggest smiles on your face because Daddy was still there in bed with us.

He has been there for you since the day you were born, before really, and it must be hard for it to suddenly change so drastically. I’m sorry for that, I hope in the next few months as you get bigger, you and I will get out of the house some days, we will go to the library and the park and make friends for both you and I and it won’t be so hard for Daddy to be gone all the time.

You are strong willed and stubborn. you know what you want and you aren’t afraid to ask for it. I’m sorry we don’t quite understand what it is all the time yet. But you know. I see it in your eyes, in your smile, in the ear piercing scream. You know what you want. you are stubborn but brilliant. I am so excited to some day home school you. Even now it is so amazing to watch as you learn and grow each week. You have mastered rolling over and are getting so good at sitting by yourself. It makes me happy to see you growing so well and sad to see how fast time is going by. You love the world around you and would fore-go sleep forever if you could keep looking and taking it all in.

Daddy and I have talked several times about if you are a new soul, if this is your first time on earth (or in a human body) or if you come to as as someone older, someone who has seen things before. We both think you have been here before, little one. You are so curious, but knowledgeable and you are only 4 months old. 4 months. You have only been in our lives for 4 months, it is amazing how attached I have become so fast.

You are frustrating and difficult…but when you smile, it is the best thing in the world and my heart melts. Will i always feel this way about you? I wonder what our relationship will be in 5, 10, 20 years? How will i feel towards you? Will I remember this time like I hope to? Grandma often doesn’t remember things when I ask her, so I hope that by recording my thoughts and all the hundreds and hundreds of images we have of you, I will remember.

I could stare at you all day, although you generally have other plans and want to be on the go go go all the time. But that’s okay. Your big personality shines through that little body of yours and no matter how frustrated I get with the fussy days and struggles with naps, you are amazing and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Love,
Mom

-Mommy has been really stressed out and between your new medication and the changes in my medication, I didn’t get one specific photo shoot in this week so there are a few random pictures from throughout your 16th week here.

-The antacid (zantac) you were prescribed fro silent reflux last week has been helping a bit. You’re not perfect yet but I think, I hope!, this will get solved somehow. I’m almost positive most of your fussiness is silent reflux and I’m sorry it took us so long to catch on to it. I’m sure it hurts something awful.

-You are wearing 6 month clothes! Jeffrey, you are only 3 and a half month, stop growing so big!

-You haven’t rolled over again yet but you’ve tried, you just can’t get passed your arm. You’ll figure it out!

-Mommy has been sick this week and it’s been rough taking care of you but thankfully you have a very wonderful Daddy to help out.

 
Check out past Baby Jeffrey Updates to see how he’s grown!
1 Week and 2 Weeks
3 Weeks and 4 Weeks
5 Weeks and 6 Weeks
7 Weeks
8 Weeks
9 Weeks
10 Weeks
11 Weeks
12 Weeks
13 Weeks
14 Weeks
15 Weeks

Our life is really up in the air right now. We vaguely have a plan for the next 6 months but beyond that? Eternal mystery. But I’m contomplative by nature, I’m a dreamer, a planner and a what if kind of girl.

Our family of three is lovely and special. Jeffrey is the perfect mix of the two of us. He’s curious and stubborn, he’s intelligent and loving. He’s only 4 months old. He’s been a handful and he’s been life changing but surprisingly not as life changing as I would have anticipated.

As a dreamer and a planner, we’ve obviously talked about what our future family looks like. I come from a family with 3 siblings, scott had none. I always wanted a big family. I’ve thought about how far apart I want our kids (start trying for number 2 when jeffrey is 2 and number 3 when the second is 4). And I’ve pictured them, running around and teaching them all.

And yet. Yet.

I feel doubt now as I look at my beautiful sleeping son about having more. Pregnancy was hard on me, labor and delivery were emotionally destructive. I love him but it has been hard to take care of him. I don’t want to deprive him of the joy of siblings, of being a big brother and yet.

I don’t know where I’m going with this or why I’m writing it. I’m not even clear on what I’m thinking and feeling or why. But this is my space and I think better when I write.

I hope over the next few years I grow to wanting more children again. At one time I did. But if not? Well we will give jeffrey everything he deserves, he will be loved beyond belief and we will come to be happy with either decision.

I feel like everything that is wrong is my fault.

I grew him in my body for 9 months. I am the only one that can provide nourishment for him from the moment he is conceived until he starts solid foods and eventually weans from breastfeeding. I take care of him everyday all day. Yes I have help. But I am his mother. It is all my fault if he is unhappy, grumpy or isn’t getting the nourishment he needs.

I know, I know…all babies are hard work. All babies are high maintenance because they’re babies, they’re helpless and need their parents. I love my little boy but he is a mighty handful. And I worry constantly that all of his issues…unhappy while nursing (screaming!), hating naps, not sleeping through the night anymore, fussy all day almost all the time…are all my fault.

How do I get rid of these feelings? How do I accept that it’s not me? Or is it me? How do I make it better if (or if it’s not) me? Here I am, once again, with nothing but questions and no answers in sight.

ps- I need more pictures of Jeffrey and I. I am most often the one behind the lens and there aren’t as many as I would like.

-You love to scream! And I mean screeeeaaammmm. Loud piercing screams right near our ears. I don’t know why you do it, it amuses you I guess, but it doesn’t amuse us!

-Grandma picked up a Bumbo seat for you. (it has since been recalled and they are offering new safety kits to be installed). You like it because you love to sit up and it gives our arms a chance to rest a bit.

-You rolled over!! You’ve been rolling from your tummy to your back in various fashions since you were about 2 weeks but this week you rolled from your back to your stomach. It was great!
need new diapers

-Sleeping has not improved and naps have gotten worse. You fight us so hard and it breaks my heart. We took you to the doctor because we suspect you have silent reflux. Mommy and Daddy are not a fan of you pediatrician! She was very unhelpful and was trying to force formula on us, which isn’t something we want to do unless absolutely necessary. But we got a prescription for an antacid and I hope it helps.

-You weight 15 lbs 13 oz!

 
Check out past Baby Jeffrey Updates to see how he’s grown!
1 Week and 2 Weeks
3 Weeks and 4 Weeks
5 Weeks and 6 Weeks
7 Weeks
8 Weeks
9 Weeks
10 Weeks
11 Weeks
12 Weeks
13 Weeks
14 Weeks

-You’ve been eating your hand pretty constantly now. Nom Nom Nom those hands, little boy!

-Before this week, when you were tired you would try to rub your eyes but you always just ended up punching yourself. But now, you rub them and it’s so so cute!

-You’ve started sleeping really poorly at night. Since your first week home you’ve been sleeping 4-7 hour stretches at night. Now? It’s about 1.5-2 hours! Mama misses her sleep. I don’t know if it’s a growth spurt, teething or an early sleep regression but I’m not enjoying it.

-Daddy and I tried to go out on a real date for the first time you were born. It didn’t go so well. Grandma had to call us to come back home half way through because you were inconsolable, poor little guy! You just hate sleep and hate night time the most.

 
Check out past Baby Jeffrey Updates to see how he’s grown!
1 Week and 2 Weeks
3 Weeks and 4 Weeks
5 Weeks and 6 Weeks
7 Weeks
8 Weeks
9 Weeks
10 Weeks
11 Weeks
12 Weeks
13 Weeks

I have to admit it’s been really rough so far. My little boy is a lot of work, but oh so cute. I’m only kind of handling all of this so far.

I don’t have a freeze stash of expressed milk anymore so I can’t leave Jeffrey with his grandma and go out. Hopefully in a few weeks that will change. For now, everything is a struggle and I could use some mama friends.

Ps – I’m writing this on my phone so sorry if there’s anything weird with the formatting!

I’ve been taking a break from my main blog this past month and it’s been good for me. A lot is changing in our lives. I’m on medication now (switched it recently), I’ve been seeing a therapist, we recently checked out the local UU branch and the best news is that Scott got a job.
When I got pregnant last year, we knew we would move back to the Chicago area to be close to my family. We honestly didn’t think it would be so difficult for Scott to find work out here. He’s been out of work since the end of February and it has been rough with a baby.

Despite all of that, I have been so happy that he got to be around for the first 4 months of our son’s life. These days, moments with him have been so amazing. As new parents you don’t really want to miss out on anything and while he’s been gone on job interviews and other such things, he’s been here almost everyday since Jeffrey was born and, despite the stress and difficulties having no income has caused, it has been a blessing.

So here I am. The Sunday before he starts his new 40 hour a week job and I am on the brink of the next part of my Mama Journey. I am going to be a stay at home mama all on my own (sort of). It’s true, I live with my parents. My mom teaches art out of the house 1 day a week, my dad now works from home and my oldest brother lives here too and only works 30 hours a week right now so I won’t be lacking adult contact as a stay-at-home mama. And for as much as my mom helps out (she’s amazing!) Jeffrey is still my son and she can’t, and shouldn’t, always be helping me. It will be hard for me to know that I have to do everything for him all the time. Jeffrey is a happy happy baby but he is difficult. He has silent reflux that isn’t under control, I think he’s teething, we’re going through a sleep regression and he doesn’t sleep through the night anymore. Oh and he’s a terrible napper. He fights so so hard and won’t sleep when we’re out of the house either.

I am stressed, worried and excited all at once. There may be even more pictures for me to post now as I’ll be sure to be documenting as much as I can for the time Scott will be missing now that he’ll be a working daddy. I’m sure Jeffrey and I will drive him crazy with needing attention the moment he walks in the door.

Wish me luck. (oh and please tweet me @likeabirdstudio during the days to help keep me sane!)

-3 months old today!! Wow I can’t believe you are so so so big already! I look back at pictures from 2 months ago and can’t imagine where the time has gone already. You’ll be 18 tomorrow, I’m sure of it!

-You got more shots this week. 2 shots and you did just as good as last time! Only cried for a minute or two and then it was over! Yay Jeffrey! You were really really tired all day though, you slept most of the day and had a slight fever right before bedtime so we gave you Tylenol for the first time. You didn’t much like the taste but your temperature was back to normal the next morning and you weren’t so tired anymore.

-We’ve gotten your bedtime routine down a lot better now. We give you a bath between 8:30 and 9:30 and then rock you to sleep, which takes anywhere from 10 minutes to over an hour! But you don’t usually fight sleep as hard anymore so that’s great.

-We had to strip your cloth diapers this week, they were stinky even after being washed! They’re all clean and sunned now to get some of the stains out. You’re going to outgrow them soon and we really need to buy the next size. I hate disposables.

-You love to hold on to fabrics more than toys. You grabbed your burp rags constantly as well as our shirts. It’s so cute.

-You smile the most around 7-8am when you wake us up. You smile almost nonstop for at least 10 minutes. It’s amazing.

-While I was taking your pictures for this week, you reached out for a toy! Until now you’ve mostly just reached out for fabric but you were staring at the toy very intently as daddy held it and reached out and grabbed it, it was great.

-You like to stick your tongue out when you smile sometimes. It’s also fantastic when you smile huge and with your mouth completely open, it’s great. Your smiles reach all the way to your eyes.

-You’ve really taken to trying to devour those little hands. You try your hardest to get your whole fist in your mouth!

 
Check out past Baby Jeffrey Updates to see how he’s grown!
1 Week and 2 Weeks
3 Weeks and 4 Weeks
5 Weeks and 6 Weeks
7 Weeks
8 Weeks
9 Weeks
10 Weeks
11 Weeks
12 Weeks